19 November 2005

Khitthung ...

I am now back again at home after 11 days in Pattaya and one in Bangkok with Tam.
The stay in Pattaya was very quiet with time mostly spent in Jomtien with the beach chair boys who have become now like friends. Of course I would have liked to know one of them more intimately, but Tam told me the boy was proposed 7 000 bahts for a night and he refused to go. So I guess these boys are for the time being off-limits. My pen rai, they were great companions for the whole time we spent on the beach and this is the most important.

I used my new-found freedom to "off" two boys, one in my hotel room and the other one in the boy's own room, but although being OK with this, Tam was not very happy because I had not told him everything ... Moreover, what surprised me since the beginning of this stay was the rudeness Tam sometimes showed towards me, including in front of others and for no reason, to the point that one of the boys we both know noticed it saying to me "Oh Tam is often scolding at you ...". In the same time, he was very social with the other boys, especially his friends and the beach attendants... It is only after coming back that I read Silom's blog who had the same problem and could explain it by the fact that his boyfriend was strained with private problems. Tam had some too (and big ones as far as he shortly told me, his mother being sent out of the house she lived in due to marital problems).

... And here we are again with my doubts betwen my own freedom and my love for Tam ... This ended quite badly as I refused him to come to the airport with me and the last picture I have from him now is one of a boy sitting on the bed, crying and not understanding this farang who wants to quit him, and wanting to find relief in drinking booze...

I phoned several times from the airport and we could only exchange words like "why do you lie me, I love you, I left Pattaya for you and you are everything for me" and "why are you so impolite with me when you are so smiling with your thai friends".

Like last year, the trip back home made me think once again about Tam only to make me realise that I love him (at least when he is smiling), that he is exactly the boy I like and that he made special efforts this year to respect my freedom and let me go alone in the bars. Moreover I know from his personal situation that for him I am like his father, who left home some years ago ... a responsability that I do not really want to assume but, hey, what can you do when a boy tells you (and when you know it is true) "if you leave me, I am alone and this life has no more interest for me".

I phoned him again from my home and told all this to him, but still now I am still unable to know if we will meet again. I hope he will find a job near his home, find new friends (and perhaps a thai boyfriend) and that he will be able to think of his future beyond one or two days ... I will try to help him as much as I can but I cannot really help a lot and my own situation is far from being secure as well. So ... wait and see the next trip to Thailand (May or October 2006 ?).

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